Inbetween Doors

Bless the Lord Oh My Soul

Oh My Soul

Worship His Holy Name

Sing Like Never Before

Oh My Soul

I’ll Worship Your Holy Name

“Nehemiah “arose in the night” and “didn’t tell anyone” what God put in his heart to do for Jerusalem. This is a prophetic statement about how the Holy Spirit works in our lives to restore and perfect us. I have found that it is in the dark times (night) of our lives that the Lord begins to “arise” and shine His spotlight on our brokenness in order to make us whole. But in these night seasons when He is doing the most work in our lives, we are often completely unaware of it, or we think it is the devil. We must discern the difference between Holy Spirit’s searchlight, which assesses the damage done to our walls in order to rebuild us, and the accusations of the evil spirits, which point out our weaknesses but have no redemptive value whatsoever.” Spirit Wars, Winning the Invisible Battle Against Sin and the Enemy ~ Kris Vallotton 

I have to be honest, over the last few months I have had significant diffculty in discerning whether what I was going through in my own very dark night was because of the enemy or because of the Lord doing a work in my life. As it turns out, it was and is both. We’ve often heard that we know we’re doing something right if life feels like its walls are crumbling. In my case, I found that hard to believe because that would mean I was doing all kinds of right and that just couldn’t be true! The struggle I experienced was not familiar and seemed to have been kicked up a couple notches from attacks I’ve known in the past.

“One of the pivotal truths I have learned through my journey is that we are new creatures in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), and therefore our battles in life are never with our old nature.” Having always struggled with discernment, there were many circumstances where I found myself questioning “Is God trying to tell me something here or am I thinking too much into things again?” For example, whenever one of my parents would leave for a retreat or a conference I would worry like crazy until they were home again. I always had this horrible feeling that they weren’t going to come back or something terrible was going to happen to them. Seriously. It was a fear that kept me up at night and always on my toes during the day. Then there were other times when I just knew something wasn’t right and would act on that instinct, which actually spared the lives of my parents who would’ve died in a snowbank had I not done anything one very cold, scary, winter’s night. Now, as an adult, I find that I still have similar conflicts, though not to the same extremes.  As a new creature in Christ, I find that the battles I face become much more complicated and intense. While temporary, the enemy is desperately grasping at whatever he can find to throw at me because, he is an “equal opportunity destroyer”.

In my last post, I talked about how I had retreated out of fear and feeling cut off at the knees with the swiftness of the blows. Fear is a very dangerous thing and is even the root of many deaths in our nation today. From a spiritual standpoint fear, of any kind, is a sin and a very powerful tool of the enemy. I’ve heard it said, “God closes one door and opens another, but it’s hell in the hallway”. God deliberately led Jesus to the desert and Nehemiah was called to rebuild the walls. Both were given specific assignments and both had the opportunity to jump ship. However, both Jesus and Nehemiah were obedient to the task and as a result they triumphed and God promoted them. While I would never put myself in the same basket as Jesus and Nehemiah, I oftentimes wonder if everything seemed so dark for so long because I was being held in my own hallway waiting for the door to open. I have to hope anyway…

Whatever may pass,

 and whatever lies before me

 Let me be singing when the evening comes

One of my greatest mistakes during this time was my silence. While I felt like I was being silenced, I was by no means required or forced to practice it. Because I didn’t know or really understand what was going on I assumed whatever it was was due to something I had done and I was ashamed. Therefore, I thought I needed to work this out with God on my own and figure out where I went wrong. Alone. The enemy loves nothing more than to squelch our song and keep us isolated from other believers. Afterall, he does his greatest work when believers are caught unarmed with their defenses down. What I lost sight of was that while I was maneuvering my way through the dark night, I still had thousands of reasons to worship and while I did worship, it was sometimes out of my selfish desire to just hear His voice in response. Thankfully the Lord knows my heart and is ridiculously patient with me, even in my silence.

While sometimes it’s frustrating to me that there is no “point of arrival” because of my need for task completion, I am more than relieved that that is not the case when we’re talking about God.  I am so very thankful for His grace and mercy, that for some reason shows up new every morning…for me. I am also grateful that God can see right through my actions or inaction to my heart.  With as frustrated as I get with myself that I haven’t gotten it right yet, I would happily choose frustration over serving a god who reigns in fear any day of the week. In other words, Bless the Lord Oh My Soul…

“He has said to me, ”My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake, for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I’m All You Need…

I am the Lord your God,

 I go before you now.

 I stand beside you

 I’m all around you

 And though you feel I’m far away

 I’m closer than your breath

 I am with you

 More than you know

In my last post I shared a little bit about the journey I’ve been on over the last few months. I didn’t purposefully devulge personal details of my life to entertain or to give anyone an in depth perspective of what has taken place, but to get it on paper or on screen… To give it life or a voice in an attempt to put the pieces together. So much is still a jumbled mess that lies around on the floor of my mind, but it is my hope that in processing aloud more pieces will find their way to each other.

One of the pictures the Lord has given me over the last weeks is that of an anchor.  While I’m familiar with what an anchor is, as well as its functions, I failed to see the application in my life. I know that one of the anchors primary duties is to hold the ship in place so it won’t drift. I know that it is built to be heavy in order to bear the weight of the vessel and is shaped in such a way that it will sink to the very bottom of the body of water, grabbing onto whatever it needs to to stay in place. I know these things. What is new information to me is that there are two types of anchors: permanent and temporary. A permanent fixture (or mooring) is often referred to as an anchor. One definition of a mooring is “Elements providing stability or security”.

“I am your anchor in the wind and the waves…”

I’m pretty sure my interpretation of an anchor was of the temporary variety, that when the waters got rough I knew I’d be ok because I had my trusty anchor safely affixed to my vessel. If I needed it. If. Not when. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t look to God to just come save me when the winds blow. He’s not like a punch card that I pull out to use when I need his divine intervention and tuck back away just as quickly. At least, I never intended to. I didn’t mean to use Him or anyone else as my temporary anchors, but I believe that I have. That, I believe, is what he meant when he showed me that picture. He showed me this because He’s wanting and needing to be my one and only permanent anchor to provide all of my stability and all of my security, all of the time.

“I am the Lord your peace, No evil will conquer you, Steady now your heart and mind, Come into my rest…”

It was many weeks ago when the Lord and I had a conversation which wasn’t unlike many others where He’s asking, “Are you ready?” and without even asking I say, “Nope” and move on. However, this particular conversation I felt His confidence in me and like I could really trust that whatever that question entailed I could handle it so this particular time I responded, “Yes Lord, I’m ready. Whatever it is, I am yours”. To be honest, I kind of felt like Nehemiah and like maybe I needed to prepare for a “big build”. While that may or could be true, I should’ve prepared more for what the enemy was going to do or at least kept my eyes open. Like Nehemiah, the enemy moved in as soon as I said “yes” and in greater ways than I have ever experienced before. Unlike Nehemiah, though, I didn’t recognize it as the enemy. I didn’t recognize it at all and that’s what became so frightening to me.

One of my favorite authors wrote, “Feeling fear is not itself sin, but yielding to the intimidation of God’s enemies in an effort to preserve himself would display a lack of confidence in the Lord.” The enemy bullied, intimidated, and threatened me into a corner before I even knew what was going on. Out of fear I retreated, not even realizing that in doing so I was telling the Lord that I didn’t trust that He could protect me from the terrorist of my soul. It wasn’t intentional and I struggle to think that perhaps I have failed yet another test. Afterall, Nehemiah passed with flying colors even without the Lord passing him a note to tell him what’s coming. He was able to see through all of the enemies schemes. And to think God allowed such tests to occur to strengthen His servant. Does that make me a failure?

I don’t believe so… Not because it’s me but because the God I know does not set us or me up for failure. In fact, I’m starting to see that perhaps God was showing me why He is the only one that can be my anchor. He is the only one who is able and wants to be my steadfast. It is only by His power and protection that I’m even here today and not swallowed up in the shadows of the darkness. I wouldn’t have appreciated that concept just months ago. And perhaps for good reason. God’s timing is always perfect. It’s always just in time and in the most specific way. I don’t know where this is all going or where the end result will leave me, but I guarantee it won’t be without my mooring.

“Come to me, I’m all you need. Come to me, I’m you’re everything…”