I Breathe You In…

The presence of the Living God

 Satisfies the depths of my heart

 And all of me I change when you came

 And I’m led free by Your glory and grace

  I breathe You in , God ‘caus You are there all around me

The kindness of Your love’s pure light

 Pierces through the darkest of all night

 And everything is possible now

For God is here

And God is good  

 

My favorite lyric of this song is the bridge where it says, “When I don’t understand, I will choose you”. I have no idea what was being felt when these words were written, but they grabbed me by the throat the first time those lyrics made their way to my ears. Looking back over the near five month gap since my last entry, I would say that this tiny 7 word bridge pretty much encompasses where “I’ve been”. At a loss. Silenced. Upside down. Angry. Confused.  Abandoned. Deafened. And all so suddenly…

For those reading this you might be wondering, “What was the big event?”, but I can’t tell you because I don’t know. Sounds really weird or cryptic huh? What I can say is that there wasn’t one specific moment when things turned. Looking back, I would say that there were many moments that led up to the final shutdown. Not the kind of shut down where because life isn’t going my way I’m going to stick out my lip, cross my arms, and stand stiffly until I get my way. It was almost as if I had been cut off at the knees and because I didn’t see it coming I wasn’t able to catch myself before knocking myself out on the concrete. Upon waking and trying to figure out where/who I was and what happened is where I found myself. Not much made sense. Relationships changed People seemed different. What was understood no longer applied. Everything literally turned on its head and amongst everything I found I could no longer hear His voice.

Romans 8:22-27

The Message (MSG)

^22-25All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

That did it. It was as if the lights went out. My words left me. My thoughts became muddy. My heart broken. The darkness fell. The kind of darkness that only comes with the enemy’s curtains. I couldn’t hear my Savior’s voice. I couldn’t find Him. I couldn’t see. However, I did worship. By myself. In the quiet. Alone. I worshipped my King. My Daddy. I knew He was there somewhere, so I cried out. A lot. Heartsongs from me to Him. While I didn’t have much for words, my heart still reached out for Him seeking His. Not singing. Not even aloud at times. Those cries, longings of desperation came from such a deep deep place in my soul that I’m not sure there would have been any melody to do the job justice.

While it took some time, I finally was able to sense the Lord trying to communicate with me and it started as pictures. The first one was an anchor, the next a circle, and then finally the word begotten. While it was something, I was frustrated too that after all the crying out I had done, this was the response. Little by little, though, He began showing me how it was all connected and He continues to do so even today in preparation for tomorrow and the next day. While I become impatient because it feels like it’s taking too long to recover from the enemy’s sneak attack, the Lord is utilizing every moment. He’s not wasting a second. Thus the slow motion I suppose.

“When I don’t understand, I will choose you…”

I do not expect any one else in my immediate circle or beyond to really understand what has taken place in my life over the last few months because I can’t myself. In fact, I expect there are some who are frustrated or disappointed in me for different reasons because of their personal interpretation of my experience and my general lack of participation. While I have been the recipient of undeserving love and ”Amazing Grace”, I have also caught the glances of distrust and it’s ok. I’ve been on the other end as well, making assumptions and casting stones so I can empathize. One of the biggest lessons during this time has and continues to be putting every shred of my trust in Him. Investing all that I have and am into His mission. Leaning, leaning… For many years, most of my life, I have looked to people or even myself to be my anchor in different storms, and the Lord had to get pretty stern with me lately to remind me that my only anchor should be in Him. Period.

The enemy will try to silence me the rest of my life and now that I am aware of his plight against me, my oppositional defiant self wants nothing more than to irritate. So, in other words, Game On!

“For You are good, God. You are good to me.”

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